You send a long, warm message. The reply comes back. Two words. "ok fine."
So you read it again. And again. Was that cold? Is she upset with me? Did I say something wrong? An hour later you are still holding the phone, and the dinner on the stove is burning.
My friend, I want you to hear this first. You are not broken. Your mind is doing its job. It is just doing it far too hard.
What overthinking really is
Overthinking feels like thinking. It is not. Most of it is worry walking in circles.
Your mind has one big job, and that job is to keep you safe. When something is unclear, it goes looking for danger. A text message has no face, no voice, no tone. So the mind fills the empty space, and it almost always fills it with the worst guess.
That is why a plain "ok" can land like a slap. The message never changed. Your fear got louder.
In my years of counselling I have heard this story again and again, from students, from mothers, from managers with big offices. Smart people. Kind people. All of them stuck on one small line of text.
Why you cannot just stop
Someone tells you, "Stop thinking about it." Good advice? Try this. Do not think of a red car.
You just saw a red car.
The mind does not switch off on command. It needs something else to do. It needs an answer, or a safer place to land.
And here is the trap. Overthinking feels useful. It feels like you are solving a problem. But there is no new fact to work with. You are only replaying the same three lines, so you end up tired and no closer to anything.
Most overthinkers I meet care deeply about other people. They want to get it right. That care is a gift. It just needs a gentler way to work.
Three ways to calm an overthinking mind
1. Name the fear behind the thought
Ask yourself one honest question. "What am I afraid of right now?"
The answer is usually simple. "I am afraid they are angry with me." "I am afraid I will be left out." "I am afraid I made a mistake."
Once you name it, the fear shrinks. You are no longer fighting fog. You are looking at one clear worry, and one worry you can handle.
2. Answer the fear, not the text
Now talk to that fear the way you would talk to a friend sitting next to you.
"I do not actually know they are angry. They may be busy. If I really want to know, I can ask." That is calm. It is also true.
Stop arguing with the message. Answer the fear underneath it. This is the step most people skip, and it is the step that works.
3. Choose one small action
Overthinking loves waiting. So give it something to finish.
Send one kind, clear message. Or wait one hour and check the facts. Or put the phone face down and go for a walk. Pick one. Then do it.
Action tells your mind you have a plan. And a mind with a plan can rest.
A five-minute exercise for today
The next time you catch yourself replaying a message, stop. Take a pen and a piece of paper.
- Write down the thought. Example: "They did not reply. They must be upset."
- Write the fear under it. Example: "I am afraid I upset them."
- Write what you know for sure. Example: "They have not replied for two hours."
- Write two other reasons that could be true. Example: "They are at work. Their phone is off."
- Write one action. Example: "I will wait until tonight, then send a short hello."
Read the page out loud once. Notice your shoulders. Most people feel a little lighter. Not fixed. Lighter.
Do this for one week and you will start catching the loop sooner. That is the real skill.
When to ask for more help
Some days the worry is too big to carry alone. If it stops you from sleeping, working or eating for many days, please speak to a doctor or a trained mental health professional. If you ever feel unsafe, contact local emergency services or someone you trust right away. This article is for learning. It is not medical advice.
Learn the skills behind this
The exercise above comes from cognitive behavioural therapy, or CBT. In CBT we learn how thoughts, feelings and actions push on each other. Then we learn to change the part we can.
At PIMS, I teach these skills in live classes. Our next cohort runs from February to May 2027. Join the early-bird list to get first access and the early-bird details. The early bird ends on 15 January 2027.
Join the early-bird list at pimscourses.com, or message us on WhatsApp at +92 329 090 7080.
Ibrahim Siawash